5 Rockstars Who Will Probably Kill You

4.26.12

Hey World. It’s me Scarlet. I need your help. I don’t know what to do. I keep getting creepy messages from guys like this:

Does anyone know what I can do to avoid getting stalked by the creator of Myspace! I really, really don’t want to die. I especially don’t want to be killed.

And I ESPECIALLY don’t want to be killed by Tom Anderson.

Most of us don’t prefer being stalked and killed. It’s just not fun.

Trust me.

Most people don’t consider that “having a good time.”

However, if I were to get killed by someone….I’d like to get killed by a rock star. Here’s a few I wouldn’t mind getting slashed up by:

#1. Phil Anselmo from Pantera

Weapon of Choice: Fist

Secondary Weapon: machete

Favorite TV Show: Civil War Shows on the History Channel

Phil is perhaps the definition of tough. This Great Southern Rockstar is always drunk and pissed off about something. Don’t even try to offer him a beer unless you’d like it shattered in your face. Hand shake? Pshhh…more like hand break! This type of guy will rip your MacBook Pro right out of your hands and just smash it on the cement for absolutey no reason. If you see this guy in a dark alley and happen to be wearing a “Hanson” T-Shirt, I suggest you run. Especially if you’re not carrying a confederate flag.

#2. Rob Zombie

Weapon of Choice: Blood

Secondary Weapon: Bucket

Favorite TV Show: The Munsters

This guy isn’t just thinking about killing you. He’s actally going to kill you. Between his two careers as a musician and a horror movie director he’s made enough money to buy a house in the middle of nowhere where nobody can hear you scream. This Astro-Creep has two thousand reasons why he doesn’t like you. I suggest you run rather than telling him how much you like the song, “More Human than Human.” Otherwise, you’re likely to become just like one of the victims in his slasher films. The real ones he makes that you can’t buy in stores. Because no one knows about them.

#3. Marilyn Manson

Weapon of Choice: Crucifix

Secondary Weapon: Boobs

Favorite TV Show: The Golden Girls

This guy would probably actually try to kill you with a donut. I doubt he’s ever flushed a single toilet in his entire life. How many times has Marilyn Manson has reeacted the movie Psycho? Ten. If the FBI happened to stumble across a dozen dead bodies of priests in Marilyn Manson’s attic no one would be suprised. Don’t ever eat the last donut when you’re around this guy. Especially if he needs to take a dump.

#4. Jimmy Urine

Weapon of Choice: Fairy Wand

Secondary Weapon: Door

Favorite TV Show: Muppet Babies

Unless you want the Gay Mafia after your penis, I suggest you never make fun of Tinkerbell in front of this guy. This Lost Boy wouldn’t be afraid to bitch-slap Mike Tyson. He would probably kill you over a bag of Cheetos just out of pure Mindless Self Indulgence. My suggestion to you is to hide your Cheetos when you’re around this guy. And make sure to lick your fingers good so he doesn’t see that annoying orange residue.

#5. Maynard James Keenan from Tool

Weapon of Choice: Wrench

Secondary Weapon: Screwdriver

Favorite TV Show: Home Improvement (Tool Time)

Don’t trust this guy. He’s the type of guy who will tear your arms off and them use them around his house as a fly swatter. This guy is actually pretty down to earth as long as you never mention his blog (Which is basically just a bunch of recipes that we all know for Brain Cupcakes.) Trust me. Don’t mention the blog.

When this guy opens up his tool box….people die. You’ll see more wrenches thrown at you than you did on those Flying Ships from Super Mario Brothers 3.

Anyway….

Are there any Rockstars that I missed? I was going to make a Top 10 List, but I can’t seem to think of anyone else. If you have any ideas please let me know because I’m really bored.

-Scarlet

4.26.12

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
This entry was posted in Music, Top 5. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to 5 Rockstars Who Will Probably Kill You

  1. Jim Cantwell says:

    I dont know any other rock-stars but as for tom I don’t think he will bother you
    #6 don’t call people out on your blog hahaha, love this blog

  2. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. <Probably a good idea to watch a bunch of Vince Vaughn films before going to a TOOL concert, just in case.

  3. sansself says:

    1) Jimmy Urine won’t kill you, he’ll just sloppily make out with you. I should know.
    2) If this blog is only covering living rock stars then this list is pretty okay. If you include the dead ones though, Peter Steele would have torn you a new one using a bottle of wine, a bass connected to a pedalboard the size of the state of Rhode Island, and his enormous cock.

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