The Scarlet Numbers 5.9.12
Face it. You’ve tried to make a successful blog but that just didn’t happen. Now it’s time to kill all your fans and start over. Luckily you’ve seen enough episdoes of CSI, Forensic Files, and Dexter to pull this off without getting caught.
But before you start your killing spree…here’s a couple tips to make a clean get away so you don’t have to spend the rest of your life in the slammer.
First off, you’re going to need some help. You can’t just stab someone 53 times without someone helping you clean up all the blood. The people who never helped you promote your blog deserve to die. And you don’t deserve to clean up all that mess. Find someone who’s good at cleaning up blood. Contact a janitor. They’re good at cleaning stuff up.
The janitor from Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” has been practically unemployed since 1991. Contact him. If anyone can help clean up all that blood, he can.
Step Two: Planning
You can’t just kill a 2 year old child and wrap her face with ducktape and expect to get away with murder. You have to think of a long elaborate plan. Think about someway you can blame your father. Better yet, hire a good lawyer who is really good at lying.
Also, make sure your victims are in Florida . Everyone gets away with murder in Florida…
Plan. Plan. Plan. These things are going to be essential if you want to be able to make successful Youtube videos after after becoming famous from another “Trial of the Century” after being declared innocent. Remember: Blame your father. It’s the only way you’re going to get away with it. Trust me.
Step 3: Post your Boobs on the Internet:
This really has nothing to do with getting away with murder, but if you want your blog to be as popular as possible, don’t forget to post your boobs on the Internet. The Internet loves boobs. And if you don’t post them, the chances are you’re not going to get the attention that you want. Remember: Internet + Boobs = Successful blog. No one is going to be jerking off to a bunch of pics of Wylie Coyote.
Well… most people won’t.
Step 4: Oversized
The Zodiac killer would never have become the greatest killer of all time without using the good ol’ oversized bear trap. This is a great way to get any grown man to cry. Be sure your oversized bear trap has enough oil so when your internet traffic dies as soon as they visit your site for the first time…their deaths will be less squeaky.
Don’t forget to get the Albino guy from the Nirvana video to clean up all the blood after your fans are torn limb from limb with this bear trap.
Step 5: Green Bat Suit
Face it. You’re probably not going to get away with murder unless you’re wearing a green bat suit. This has been statistically proven. (Don’t ask me where to find this statistic.) What’s really important if that you know it will work. O.J. Simpson wouldn’t have been able to kill his wife without one of these. Trust me.
Step 6: Green Bat Suit with Dynamite
Unless you want to spend hard time in jail for stealing sports mermoirabilia, I suggest you use dynamite when you’re using your green bat suit. O.J. Simpson learned this the hard way.
Step 7: Summon Black Panthers
Remember, if no one wants to help you with your killing spree….you’re probably just looking in the wrong places. Try contacting the black panthers. They’re always pissed off about something. Tell them you know where George Zimmerman is. They’ll be mopping up blood in an instant and soon you’ll be giving that Albino guy from the Nirvana video a pink slip. He’ll be mopping floors again in the unemployment line in no time.
Step 8: Write a Blog About Your Vagina Without Posting Pictures
This is another great way to kill off your entire audience and guarentee you won’t be seeing them ever again. Making a blog like this is simple. Just find an article about photography and then change every other word to “vagina” or “pretty pink pussy.” You’ll quickly lose everyone’s attention which will help you stay low key while you’re killing everyone.
Step 9: Get a Giant Icemaker and Some Skis
You need to make sure that you cover your tracks during your killing spree. Make sure you wear a giant ice maker on your back while skiing when you kill people. If you haven’t tried this yet, I suggest you should. The only person who will be tracking your footprints is that old man from those Home-Alone movies. And trust me, he won’t tell anyone, he’s a killer too.
Step 10: Poison Bird Seed
You can’t just expect to get away with murder if you don’t have HUGE hands and lots of poison bird seed. If your hands aren’t EXTREMELY huge don’t even bother reading this top ten list. And make sure the birdseed if POSION bird seed, ask the person at your local pet store where to find it. PLEASE stop sending me messages asking me how to make it! I don’t know!
Thanks for reading. Now what are you waiting for…go contact the black panthers!