Despite Accusations John Edwards is Still A Zelda Fan

John Edwards focuses the cameraman’s lens himself before making his first public statement since the Zelda Controversy began last week.

“I’m not afraid to admit I’m a Zelda fan.” John Edwards said as soon as the first witnesses to be called by the defense. Edwards will begin presenting his defense at the former presidential contender’s campaign-finance trial with a plethora of totally cool medieval weapons all Zelda fans wish they could have. The witnesses included former ex-Edwards attorney Wade Smith who claims to be a Zelda fan but hasn’t yet beat The Skyward Sword on “hero mode.”

Heavily armored attorneys of Edwards have not indicated whether he will take the stand with his new shield. “It’s a pretty badass shield. Any Zelda fan would love it.”

Unlike Edward’s previous lawyers, his new ones have in fact beat “The Skyward Sword” on heroic mode easily. They accuse Wade Smith of “not being a true Zelda fan” after discovering an embarrassing 2010 blog entry where he admits  he was “never too fond of Majora’s Mask.”

“I have always loved all Zelda games. Even Majora’s mask.”

 “Edwards loves to play Zelda and is not guilty of criminal counts arising from alleged federal campaign-finance violations.” his lawyers recently tweeted. Former Senator Edwards has been accused of masterminding a scheme to use the Master Sword impress the jury, all of which have been hardcore Zelda fans “their whole damn lives.”

Edwards has been accused of making nearly $1 million in secret payments from two wealthy donors, Nintendo and Link himself, to cover up his pregnant mistress whose name just coincidentally happens to be Zelda.

Because this just so happened  unfortunately right during the Democratic presidential nomination in 2008, Edwards is accused of “running for President instead of playing Zelda” an accusation which he completely denies.

On Friday, the trial judge rejected a defense motion to dismiss the case citing there is no possible way Edwards could have “beat the  Twilight Princess” in less than two hours.” Judge Judy has said publicly, “I don’t believe he’s a real Zelda fan. Edwards is unable to prove he pre-ordered the latest Zelda game which came with a two-sided poster.

When asked about the two sided poster he says he lost it.

If convicted of not truly being an authentic Zelda fan the former North Carolina senator faces up to 30 years in prison as well as “a lifetime ban from playing Zelda while in prison.” John Edwards, Link, or Nintendo did not respond for questioning.

-Scarlet

5-14-12

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
This entry was posted in Gaming, News, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Despite Accusations John Edwards is Still A Zelda Fan

  1. Alex says:

    A Black Hole could descend upon John and suck his ass off into Oblivion and he would not be missed!

  2. yrfejnfyw says:

    hjegqswzw lfqgc kkdfros pzhe hgarvfijiquypou

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