RIP Helen Paradise
Helen Paradise a.k.a. Scarlet was a brave woman who gave up her full time job at Rolling Stone magazine to be a full time blogger. She created her own website and posted three or four blogs a day until she was completely erased off the face of the Internet by Google. There is a lot of speculation as to why she was banned from Google plus. Some think she was “let go” because she preferred WordPress over Google’s “Blogger” Others believe the was “just too offensive to be on the Internet itself.”
“Miss Paradise was an outspoken critic of censorship and a privacy advocate which is essentially the opposite of everything Google represents.” a Google representative said, “She was a perfect example of a bad journalist. She mis-reported Tom Hanks death confusing him with Donna Summers. She reported a story about John Edwards being a Zelda Fan….and John Edwards fucking hates Zelda.” The Google representative who spoke on a hypocritical condition of anonymity also remarked, “Despite being a shitty writer she was pretty fucking hilarious, but we had to ban her.”
There are also speculations that Google murdered Helen due to her use of Google Images which Helen often used in her blog. “She often used images she didn’t own.” a Google Image representative said hypocritically. When confronted on the fact that every single fucking image came straight from Google images, the Google representative refused to comment but silently acknowledged the irony with a shrug.
“Helen used language that we don’t prefer at Google…” the Google representative said, “English.”
A close friend Stephen Law described her as having “the body of an angel but the filthy mouth of a drunken sailor.”
In her last days Helen wrote numerous distasteful blogs such as “Cum as you are”, “Crapiness is a warm dump”, and “Nightmare on Vag Street.”
Those blogs sucked, but she actually had some good ones such as “Finding Your Nietchze: 10 Things You Should Never Do When Promoting Your Blog” and “Six Female Rockstars Who Will Probably Kill You.” There are also a lot more funny ones but I’m not just going to sit here all fucking day and list them all.
Helen had no kids (thank god) and lived in a million dollar condo that didn’t even belong to her. She was reincarnated into a fish named Nemo who only blogs about cereal.