The Scarlet Numbers 5.27.12
Hello world. It’s Sunday! And you know what that means….no cursing! It’s time to run to church and beg for forgiveness for writing that blog about vaginas.
I’ve always been hesitant to talk about religion in this blog because I don’t want to scare all my readers away. To be quite honest….religion scares me to death. I’m afraid that I’m going to spend the rest of eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell for posting a picture of Jesus holding a Subway Sandwich.
But Jesus will forgive me right? Jesus always forgives… right?
Whatcha doing Jesus?
“Eh…nothing….just hanging out.”
I’ve always wondered….what’s the point in even going to church if we can just always ask for forgiveness and Jesus with unconditionally forgive you? And why does Jesus even care? What if he doesn’t? Maybe he’s just a cool dude in a huge adult diaper who just likes to reenact the Nirvana “Heart Shaped Box” video once a week for a hobby.
“Hey…wait…I got a new complaint…this blog isn’t funny.”
I haven’t been to church in a loooooooong time. Honestly, I really don’t see the purpose. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love donuts and coffee…but I think that people who go gather around a steeple once every week are lured there for “social hour” rather than to actually understand the bible.
And what bothers me the most is the more and more you understand the bible, the more you realize it’s an unscientific piece of….
glorious material that we should all continue to read!
“Welcome to heaven! Wanna have sex?”
Have you ever wondered what happens after we die? If heaven exists….I wonder what it’s like. Can we smoke cigarettes in heaven? What about cocaine, can we do cocaine? I’ve always wanted to try heroin, maybe going to church and becoming a devout Christian can lead me to an eternity of shooting up with all best best friends!
What about age? How old are we in heaven? Will the Olsen twins be kids in heaven, or adults? Do we even have human bodies in heaven? The bible is so unspecific about this place that we’re supposed to want to spend eternity…50% of marriages these days end in divorce…what makes you think Heaven is going to be any different? I’m sure about the first 400,000 years you’re going to be thinking to yourself,
“Okay this place is getting kind of boring. Is there some kind of 11th Commandment that I can break that will take me directly to hell?”
“Thou shalt not cover heart shaped box unless thy singer is Kurt Cobain…”
Here’s my idea of heaven…I’d imagine as soon as I walked through the heavenly gates there were be angels playing a really unique cover version of “Heart Shaped Box” on their harps. Heaven would basically be just a long never ending party where we could all just dance and celebrity and do drugs all day and all night forever and ever without any consequences….
And then you pass through a door and you come face to face with Dr. Dre who has a handful of condoms…and he hands you one…but before you take it he says…
“PSYCHE! We don’t use condoms in heaven are you f***ing kidding me!”
What about AIDS….is AIDS in heaven? Something tells me what Freddy Mercury probably won’t be any different in heaven than he was on earth. He’ll probably just sleep with every guy in sight and then grow a weird moustache and get AIDS and die…
“We are the champions….my frieeend….
thiiiis microphone stand….is my cock.”
Something tells me heaven won’t really be much different from earth. I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re forced to go to church once a week in heaven. And we probably won’t be able to smoke cigarettes, and we probably won’t all be getting high off heroin while angels play heart shaped box on their harps….
Heaven probably sucks
What’s your ideal heaven? Do you believe in heaven? Are you religious? I’d like to hear from you! Feel free to share your thoughts!