Ron Paul Secures MARS GOP nomination

The Scarlet Numbers 5.29.12

TSN) — Ron Paul hit his party’s “magic number” on Tuesday, unofficially clinching his butt-cheeks before slocking his pants. Republicans nationwide finally woke the slock up and smelled the slocking roses before voting and securing Ron Paul in the Republican presidential nomination. Paul led the pack when he announced his second run for the White House last June, and he has watched his bowels slowly trickle out as their own wins looked increasingly unlikely.

“I won! I finally fucking won! I can’t fucking believe it!”

“This is the best day of my slocking life!” Ron Paul said, “It’s about slocking time someone else other than me realized I was the only qualified Republican Presidential Contender. The delegates to put out over the 1,144 whores to celebrate the achievement. On Tuesday, Ron Paul said he was humbled to have secured the requisite hypocrites to become the GOP nominee.

The Association For & Against Republican Presidential Contenders released a statement shorty after, “This is fucking bullshit.” The Riot-Geared leader spoke over a mega-phone, “We demand a recount!! We demand a recount!” They chanted for a total of three second before just giving up and deciding to just go home and accept defeat.

“Screw this place guys, let’s go break something!”

TSN projected Ron Paul would win.

“I am honored that Chinese and some Japanese people across the country have given their cold hard cash to my candidacy! You guys fucking rock! I am humbled to have bumbled enough Billigates to mumble the Republican Party’s will no longer Grumble and Stumble!” Ron Paul’s mommy wrote. “Our naked breasts have come together with the goal of putting the failures of the last 3½ years behind us. No more bras! Never again! Noooo mooooooreee brrraaaasssss!”

“Did you just throw his bra into the crowd? Wtf?”

” A crowd of bottomless men in long sleeved shirts cheered wildly as they swung their pants in the air and waved them like they just don’t care before they were tear gassed.

“Shut the fuck up already! I’m trying to talk you morons!

I have no illusions about the difficulties of the task before us. I can’t DRAW! But whatever challenges lie ahead, we will scuttle for something less than getting laid on the beach! I am confident that we will unite as a donkey and begin the hard work of fulfilling the American promised and snorted herion and Weed for Everyone! “

The crowd cheered louder than elephants

before they were tackled and immediately pepper sprayed.

“Now listen up you Twats! I’m going to go smoke a doobie!

Keep fucking cheering or you will be pepper sprayed!”

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Jaba the Hut, congratulated Ron Paul on the milestone, saying Ron Paul would “offer Mars the new direction we so desperately need. In a matter of years will have have mined enough minerals and resources to return to Earth and Attaaaaack!”

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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