Mistrial declared in John Edwards Zelda corruption case


John Edwards enjoys  victory & promises “lot of Zelda playing” in his immediate future

GREENSBORO, N.C. (TSN) 5.21.12

A mistrial has been declared in the campaign fraud trial against Zelda lover and accused ex-presidential candidate John Edwards. Jurors on Thursday acquitted John Edwards of one of six counts involving him “not loving the entire Zelda franchise.” Edwards replied, “I am so relieved that I can go home and play Zelda!”

“He’s lying!” The prosecution said. “We have video evidence that John Edwards ran for President in 2008.”

Edwards denies allegations of running for president saying he was at home playing the origional Zelda game on this Nintendo.

“Let me tell you one of my proudest accomplishments as a gamer: Beating every Zelda game. Many people have accused me of running for president, but this is complete nonsense.  These slanderous acts are absolutely false and fabricated to damage my reputation as a Zelda enthusiast. I’ve provided the court extensive documentation which proves in 2007-2008  I spend at least 10-15 hours each day playing Zelda. Ths is Fact.  Not Fiction.”

Upon providing actual documentation, the jury was still a little skeptical.  One juror interviewed said, “It sounded like he was a bit of a fan, however, it doesn’t sound like he really liked, “Major’s Mask.”  John Edwards denied these allegations.

The ninth day of deliberations Thursday took a confusing turn.  The judge mistakenly confused facts about the game played in hero mode

 “The charge time for your Skyward Strike with the Master Sword isn’t instantaneous!” Judge Judy incorrectly stated, “Get your Zelda facts straight before entering my courtroom you NOOBS!”  Later the defense provided proof with the Official Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword Guide that when you obtain the Master Sword your Skyward Strikes are actually instantaneous.  Judge Judy apoligized for the confusion.

The defense called the first Zelda game ever created to the stand:

 The cartidge answered a series of questions that all involved John Edwards knowledge and expertise on the subject of everyone’s favorite Zelda Classics.

“It’s been rumored that he still hasn’t played the Skyward Sword on hero mode in it’s entiretly.”

  The Jury however, who were all hardcore Zelda fans disagreed.

Juror #4.

“The prosecution was just a bunch of NOOBS.  They were arguing that there’s no way to beat the game in hero mode without the Master Sword. However,  the Goddess Sword using Skyward Strikes in Hero Mode are at Master Sword level, making them more than 4 times as powerful as your close-range hits, and strong enough to instantly kill most early enemies.”

However the prosecution, who admits to hating the entire Zelda franchise  bitterly disagreed:

“His character didn’t even have an upgraded shield.”

“There were plenty of reasonable grounds for conviction in this case.If you beat the game on Hero Mode, it will prompt you to save your game, which will be saved at just before the final boss.”

 The prosecution’s main argument was there is no way anyone would have deleted all of their progress after playing the game.  “Who would do that?” The lead prosecutor said, “No one.  The only reason you would delete all the Zelda files you have is because you didn’t finish the damn game!”

 The jury took 9 whole days to come up with their conclusion.

 “This whole entire thing is an enormous waste of time.  John Edwards has proved that’s he’s not just a Zelda fan…he’s basically the Zelda fan that all Zelda fan’s wish they could be.  I’d give my next nut to be in his shoes right now.”

Edwards was found not guilty on charges of conspiracy, however guilty on charges of being a faggot.

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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8 Responses to Mistrial declared in John Edwards Zelda corruption case

  1. FishyGov says:

    Oooh Noo!

    Edwards must be the best winker on the planet.

  2. John Kirkby says:

    This trial also, by way of its ending, leaves the rules of campaign contributions in a bad way for anyone wanting a non-corrupt government. Newt Gingrich’s campaign was financed by mainly One person. At least donors to Super Pacs do have to be publicly known…for now. But contributions can be unlimited and whether from a person, a special interest group or a corporation…surely they sometimes do have an effect that was what the donor wanted….even if only once out of 100 times it would be too much. This just helps the whole situation move a bit more in the wrong direction.

    • I’m going to be writing soon about the Koch brothers and Super Pacs. I believe this will be the last election ever to have Super pacs….they’re wrong and give favoritism to the super rich.

      • FishyGov says:

        I hope you’re right about that. Campaign money is the antithesis of free speech. Kick the moneyed politicians to the curb and institute a political draft system. No recalls please.

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