The Scarlet Numbers 5.31.12
So you’ve made a new hilarious blog…you’ve literally laughed your ass off to the point where tears are rolling down your face. People ask why you’re crying and you tell them that your mother died just for a little extra attention.
But still….no one gives a fuck.
So you rush to the kitchen to get the sharpest blade you can find to kill yourself. But right before you do it you have a sudden change of heart…why? Because you realize you’ve left the lights on in the kitchen. You turn them off and then you slit your wrists and die.
So you start walking up this path…and you know exactly where you’re going because you can hear this really cool cover of “Heart Shaped Box” being played on the harp. You climb this stairway that almost seems endless.
Three hours later you’re still trying to get up with damn endless stairway and you think to yourself, “This is the longest fucking cover of Heart Shaped Box” that I’ve ever heard in my life.
And then you think about the blog that you posted a few days ago. The one that you wrote on a whim while you were drunk in the bathtub.
And you cry.
Finally you’ve made it to the fucking entrance. You ask the angel standing to the left right there if you can bum a cigarette but he says, “I don’t smoke.” And then you think to yourself, “Fuuuuck.”
And then you realize that as you walk through the heavenly gates that that blog that you wrote a couple days ago that you thought was “hilarious” actually wasn’t really that funny. And you hope that God has nothing to say about it.
But he does.
In fact, he was a lot of things to say about it.
Scarlet, i’m here to talk about your blogs…i’ve been reading them since April 19th….and I noticed that you never wrote a blog on April 20th. Hmm…I wonder why.
God goes on and on about this and that….you think to yourself, “Godamn this guy never shuts up.” And then finally, after talking about how much he loved your “Garden of Apple” blog, he says,
“Oh yeah by the way, I just so happened to read your blog about cat assholes. It sucked.”
And you think to yourself, “That blog was freaking hilarious!”
“No it wasn’t” God says, “No one wants to read about that crap. Stick with the Top 10 Lists and only make one blog a day. More than one blog just cheapens your already horrible material.”
And for the first time in your life you think to yourself, “Hmmm…maybe God is right.”
“And stop using that bold font all of the time…it’s annoying.”
You think about agreeing with him, but you decide not to. And then you think to youself, “holy shit, I’m talking to God! This is freaking amazing” You have like a billion questions to ask…but you only ask 4:
- Which of my blogs do you think are my funniest?
- Which of my blog did you dislike?
- When should I post my blogs and how do I get a bigger audience?
- Oh and by the way, what’s the meaning of life?
Whoa, whoa, whoa…God says, easy on the questions. Got then replies, “First off, let me list the Top Ten Best Blogs what you’ve written…
- TECH REVIEW: THE GARDEN OF APPLE
- If Everyone is special, what’s so special about being special?
- Finding Your Nietzsche: 8 Things You Should Never Do When Promoting Your Blog
- 5 THINGS TO DIE FOR
- How To Make Money Online: The 5 Golden Rules
- Tech Review: The iPad 2- The Garden of Apple Pt. 2
- 6 Female Rockstars That Will Probably Kill You
- 12 Dangerous & Deadly Villains That You Shouldn’t Invite To Dinner
- The 25 Different Types of Vagina
- A Nightmare on Vag Street
Those are your best blogs. Now here are the worst blogs you’ve ever written:
- 10 Things That I Don’t Enjoy
- Do Small Things Bother You?
- Redefining the cliché
- The “B” Word
- Despite Accusations John Edwards is Still A Zelda Fan
- 10 Simple Ways To Get Away With Murder
- The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Truth About Beethoven
- 7 Things You Need To Know About Copyright Law
- Photographing your Vagina: Perfect Pink Pussy Pictures!
- Please Join The New Scarlet Numbers Forum!
You should post two blogs every day. One at noon and one at midnight. And stop asking people what for suggestions about blog topics, that’s fucking annoying. Oh…and don’t post the Gwar blog.
God then begins to walk about but you scream, “WAIT! You forgot to tell me the meaning of LIFE!!!”