Ten Good Blogs I’ve Made. (And 10 Bad Ones.)

The Scarlet Numbers 5.31.12

So you’ve made a new hilarious blog…you’ve literally laughed your ass off to the point where tears are rolling down your face.  People ask why you’re crying and you tell them that your mother died just for a little extra attention.

But still….no one gives a fuck.

So you rush to the kitchen to get the sharpest blade you can find to kill yourself.  But right before you do it you have a sudden change of heart…why? Because you realize you’ve left the lights on in the kitchen.  You turn them off and then you slit your wrists and die.

So you start walking up this path…and you know exactly where you’re going because you can hear this really cool cover of “Heart Shaped Box” being played on the harp.  You climb this stairway that almost seems endless.

Three hours later you’re still trying to get up with damn endless stairway and you think to yourself, “This is the longest fucking cover of Heart Shaped Box” that I’ve ever heard in my life.

And then you think about the blog that you posted a few days ago.  The one that you wrote on a whim while you were drunk in the bathtub.

And you cry.

Finally you’ve made it to the fucking entrance.  You ask the angel standing to the left right there if you can bum a cigarette but he says, “I don’t smoke.”  And then you think to yourself, “Fuuuuck.”

And then you realize that as you walk through the heavenly gates that that blog that you wrote a couple days ago that you thought was “hilarious”  actually wasn’t really that funny.  And you hope that God has nothing to say about it.

But he does.

In fact, he was a lot of things to say about it.

Scarlet, i’m here to talk about your blogs…i’ve been reading them since April 19th….and I noticed that you never wrote a blog on April 20th. Hmm…I wonder why.

God goes on and on about this and that….you think to yourself, “Godamn this guy never shuts up.”  And then finally, after talking about how much he loved your “Garden of Apple” blog, he says,

“Oh yeah by the way, I just so happened to read your blog about cat assholes. It sucked.”

And you think to yourself, “That blog was freaking hilarious!”

“No it wasn’t” God says, “No one wants to read about that crap. Stick with the Top 10 Lists and only make one blog a day. More than one blog just cheapens your already horrible material.”

 And for the first time in your life you think to yourself, “Hmmm…maybe God is right.”

“And stop using that bold font all of the time…it’s annoying.”

You think about agreeing with him, but you decide not to.  And then you think to youself, “holy shit, I’m talking to God! This is freaking amazing”  You have like a billion questions to ask…but you only ask 4:

  • Which of my blogs do you think are my funniest?
  • Which of my blog did you dislike?
  • When should I post my blogs and how do I get a bigger audience?
  • Oh and by the way, what’s the meaning of life?

Whoa, whoa, whoa…God says, easy on the questions.  Got then replies, “First off, let me list the Top Ten Best Blogs what you’ve written…

Those are your best blogs. Now here are the worst blogs you’ve ever written:

You should post two blogs every day. One at noon and one at midnight.  And stop asking people what for suggestions about blog topics, that’s fucking annoying.  Oh…and don’t post the Gwar blog.

God then begins to walk about but you scream, “WAIT! You forgot to tell me the meaning of LIFE!!!”

“The meaning of life is to promote http://www.thescarletnumbers.com all day and all night non-stop forever.  Tell all your friends to do it, tell your friends to share it on Google Plus, Twitter, Facebook, Digg, and Reddit. Thou shalt not post it on Pinterest. That site sucks balls. I gotta go. I need to take a dump.Don’t forget to share this on Google Plus!”

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
This entry was posted in Annoying People, Dumb Websites, Top 10. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Ten Good Blogs I’ve Made. (And 10 Bad Ones.)

  1. John Kirkby says:

    Still for maximum viewers/readers of your blogs…since ‘Photographing your Vagina: Perfect Pink Pussy Pictures!’ by far got you the most views in one day..that’s probably the sort of topic you should stay with. You should be able to think of hundreds of short titles with the word vagina in somewhere. For max views too don’t make your blogs very long and too often since surpassing the attention spans of 10, 20, 30 or more % of viewers/readers will give you that many less. That’s part of Twitter’s success…140 characters is pushing the limit.

  2. extremelyavg says:

    I would rank this one among your top 10, but that is just me, what do I know?

  3. Ian Moone says:

    hilarious fecking hilarious

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