The Inevitable Gay Zombie Apocalypse…

The Inevitable Gay Zombie Apocalypse…

Are you prepared for the Gay Zombie Apocalypse?

The Scarlet Numbers 6.2.12

Well everyone…the time is almost here….almost every good movie and video game has been redone, remade, and remastered to the point of absolute mental retardation in Hollywood and the Videogame industry. It is only a matter of time before they start a whole new uncreative cycle of:

The Remaking Remakes

If you thought the first 3 movies were bad…you’ve never experienced….

The Incredible Hulk trying to give you an Incredible Hug….

Green. Dark. Horrifying emo hugs. He won’t rip his shirt off because he’s angry. He’ll rip his shirt off because he’s in love you. This incredibly depressed Un-Jolly Green Giant will seems more like a Green Jolly Rauncher than a meaner greener verison of Hulk Hogan. He’ll body slam you with a body of sappy poetry. Beware.

“If you thought the first Snakes on a Plane was bad, just wait until the Snakes Return….with Feelings.

“FFFFFuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!”

You probably won’t survice several hours of this Serpant’s Serious Venomous Flirtation but if you do….you’ll be prepare to hear “pretty much every scene from Sssssseeeeex in the Ssssssssity” re-explained to you….with overly emphasized S’s to sssscccareeee you to death….

“Sssamatha ssslowy looked up from her Ssseventeen magizene and sssaw the two Sssteamiest, Ssstrongest, Sssexiest men ssshe ever sssaw & then ssshe sssssssuuuucked both of their dicksssss.”

You’ll wish you were watching the Original Snakes on a Plane which by then you’ll consider “A Classic” That’s right. A Classic. Right up there with Gone With The Wind and The Sssssssound of Mussssic.” And if you essscape from this terrible, horrible, no-good very bad remake….you’ll probably think that you’ve seen it all and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing else that could be worssse…

But you’re wrong.

Dead Wrong.

Meet the new teen wolf.

The closest you’ll get to a howl with this guy is when he you’re watching “Howl’s Moving Castle” rather than having an orgasm.

You thought he’d be Fox in bed but after one beer he became a teenage pukin nicki minaj-loving hurdle you’ll have to step over to find a real man…your bedpost was shaking less than Michael J. Fox in the 80’s.

This pussy with put your pussy in jeopardy worse than Wolf Blitzer when he’s playing Jeopardy. 

 And from the looks of it, he Shaves his nutsack. Twice a Day.

This Little Pussy doesn’t even LIKE to play basetball.

He’s never even played NBA Jam…..

THIS motherfucker is a real man.

He won’t try to impress you with Twilight references and “get a telescope and “look at the eclipse” rather than trying to stick his telescope inside your eclipse.

“By the way…those are cool earrings.”

This new teen wolf is everything a man shouldn’t be.  Instead of trying to sleep with you, he’d probably talk about Harry Potter Books enough to have your eyes Rowling.
After he’s Toilken off your shirt and sees your two towers he’ll be too busy “Making Out” rather than trying to make it to your “previous”  If  he finally DOES goes down on you, it will just be because he needs to tie his shoe.

“Sorry for putting my head so close to your vagina…

I had to tie my shoe.”

The New Teen Wolf may be a little scary…

But it gets worse…

This vampire right here just ran out of make up.  He came over to borrow some.  You invite him in hoping maybe he’s get a little rough and bite your neck.  But instead he just borrows your make up and leaves.  As he’s walking out the door you just think to yourself…”What a pussy.”  When did Vampires become so such soft, wimpy, pussies?

“Excuse me sire, aren’t you supposed to be killing everybody?”

Vampires don’t GET the bitches….Vampires KILL the bitches.

Did you get that memo?

These kids bring uncool to a whole new level.

“Tell your Vampire Friend to Lose the Wrist Band!!!”

“These guys don’t remind me of Bram Stoker’s Dracula…”

“They remind me of

Braum’s  Icecream.”

But things would get much worse…

Things are actually pretty good now compared to how this will be when “Night of the Living Dead” returns one last time with the undead zombies…

WITH GLITTER.

AND FEELINGS.

“Oh my god…I’m feeling so dead right now…

I could like totally go for some brains…”.

TO BE CONTINUED…

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
This entry was posted in Good Morning Gay America. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Inevitable Gay Zombie Apocalypse…

  1. John Kirkby says:

    Great writing. Wolf finished Negative 4,600 dollars and another time Anderson Cooper lost badly to Cheech Marin on Jeopardy. ‘Sssssshaved Nutsack’…..

  2. twizzlefiles says:

    I can’t wait to hear Glee cover the songs from those new movies

  3. vstroker says:

    Haha Emo Hulk looks so creepy!

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