The 30 Year Old Semi-Virgin
A Short Story by: Helen Paradise
Long long ago in a far away place, there was a virgin princess who had never been touched except occasionally by herself when she was bored.
Her name was “The Untouchables.”
Unfortunately, her virginity only lasted six and a half whole years until one day a shadowy figure snuck up on her from behind and then put his dirty and sweaty hands all over her precious untouched pages. Pregnant and traumatized, The Untouchables then gave birth to a T.V. Series nine months later in 1959.
“It will never happen again…I promise.”
So he created Chevrolet El Camino.
This completely redesigned longer, lower and wider full sized Cheverlot was such a piece of shit it promised to attract dirty and greasy idea hands across the country.
It was a success.
During this period of unwanted abstinence, The Untouchables longed to be touched by dirty and greasy hands again. Soon enough, the Chevrolet El Camino seized in production and greasy and dirty idle hands soon looked for a new body to touch inside and out.
After giving birth to a t.v. show, a movie, and a video game The Untouchables was feeling a little loose around the edges. She tried to stay after from dirty, greasy, idle hands as much as possible. However one night while walking alone in a dark alley, one dirty greasy hand began caressing her Table of Contents, while the other slowly crept behind and began fingering her Glossary.
For two whole years The Untouchables waddled alone in dark through secluded alleys feeling used and abused and overly fondled.
Then in 1991 after watching Terminator 2: Judgement day alone in a movie theatre, she walked down a long, dark, and secluded alley and found herself at at the wrong place the wrong time. Five men with dirty and greasy idle hands terminated her 364 days of abstinence fondled her pages and fingering both herTable of Contents and her Glossary at the same time.
Nine months later she gave birth to another new T.V. Series in 1992.
To prevent further unwanted fondling and fingering, The Untouchables fled the country. She moved to England and on her first weekend while walking through a dark secluded alley, she was approached by former Iron Maiden guitarist Adrian Smith and Jamie Stewart, the former bass player for The Cult. Never before had she been fingered so fast, so hard, and so good.
Nine months later she gave birth to a British progressive rock band called “The Untouchables”in 1995. The band however changed it’s band name to Psycho Motel after hearing the song “You Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer and learning they were technically brothers.
She crawled out of the wreckage and walked through the dark secluded woods until she approached a production studio that was filming a t.v. show called “The Outer Limits” Upon telling the cast and crew her story, she was told by the director she could hang out while they were filming. Seven years and 154 episodes later, she headed back to America after scoring backstage passes from a radio show.
After saying goodbye to all her new friends in Toronto she walked to Atlanta just in time.While she was backstage, she met the band Korn who loved her story. They were amazed she was able to walk all the way from Toronto to Atlanta.
She then spent five years in a monastery. On the 5th year, while walking down a secluded hallway in the monastery she suddenly found herself surrounded by 80 Monks who fingered, flipped, and fondled her pages and she screamed and moaned, “Yes! Yes! Crack my spine and finger my Index!” Immediately after screaming this one monk with a sledge hammer actually cracked her spine.
All 79 monks stared at the red-hooded monk who was holding the sledge hammer. Then suddenly, he dropped the sledgehammer and the impact echoed horrifying throughout the monastery as everyone still stood silently.
He knelt down to see if she was still breathing.”She’s alive!” He said and the 78 monks around him all began clapping and cheering. “That was a close one!” Steve Jobs said and raised his arm to quiet down the crowd, “Okay everyone we need to keep this a secret for as long as possible.”
“I have good news is you have given birth to a new baby boy. We are so proud. Congratulations.
Now, here’s the bad news. Now read this carefully…there were some complications during your childbirth. You have some critical pages torn. The doctor says you only have 30 more minutes to life.
Remember, life is short, so be careful how you choose to spend your time. Good luck on your 29 1/2 minute long journey.
PS – oh by the way, sorry for hitting you with that sledgehammer.
No one knows how The Untouchables spent the rest of that day…but we all know where Steve Jobs was….we he preparing to present his new son to the world on that beautiful day in 2007.
On that day…
Everyone in the monastery has vowed an oath of silence about this story…however…I just couldn’t keep it silent any longer. I’ve decided to give up being a monk and become a chef. So please, don’t let this story die…pass it on…on google plus.
And let it live on.