The 30 Year Old Semi-Virgin

The 30 Year Old Semi-Virgin

A Short Story by: Helen Paradise

Long long ago in a far away place, there was a virgin princess who had never been touched except occasionally by herself when she was bored.

Her name was “The Untouchables.”

Unfortunately, her virginity only lasted six and a half whole years until one day a shadowy figure snuck up on her from behind and then put his dirty and sweaty hands all over her precious untouched pages. Pregnant and traumatized, The Untouchables then gave birth to a T.V. Series nine months later in 1959.


In the delivery room, a family friend named Harley J. Earl swore that he would do “something” that would assure The Untouchables would never be touched again by dirty and greasy unwanted idle hands….

“It will never happen again…I promise.”

So he created  Chevrolet El Camino.

This completely redesigned longer, lower and wider full sized Cheverlot was such a piece of shit it promised to attract dirty and greasy idea hands across the country.

It was a success.


Continuous work on fixing these lousy cars, kept  dirty and greasy idle hands on the bodies of the El Caminos and away from The Untouchables for nearly 30 years.

During this period of unwanted abstinence, The Untouchables longed to be touched by dirty and greasy hands again. Soon enough, the Chevrolet El Camino seized in production and greasy and dirty idle hands soon looked for a new body to touch inside and out.


The Untouchables soon was groped and fondled by two dirty and greasy hands from Hollywood and 9 months later, she gave birth to ” The Untouchables” the movie in 1987.


Then in 1988, after two whole years without being touched a video game company caressed The Untouchables on all of her favorite pages. Nine months later  an Untouchables Video Game was born.


After giving birth to a t.v. show, a movie, and a video game The Untouchables was feeling a little loose around the edges. She tried to stay after from dirty, greasy, idle hands as much as possible.  However one night while walking alone in a dark alley, one dirty greasy hand began caressing her Table of Contents, while the other slowly crept behind and began fingering her Glossary.


Nine months later…The Untouchables and MC Hammer gave birth to the song,  “You can’t touch this” in 1990.

For two whole years The Untouchables waddled alone in dark through secluded alleys feeling used and abused and overly fondled.

Then in 1991 after watching Terminator 2: Judgement day alone in a movie theatre, she walked down a long, dark, and secluded alley and found herself at at the wrong place the wrong time. Five men with dirty and greasy idle hands terminated her 364 days of abstinence fondled her pages and fingering both herTable of Contents and her Glossary at the same time.

Nine months later she gave birth to another new T.V. Series in 1992.

To prevent further unwanted fondling and fingering, The Untouchables fled the country. She moved to England and on her first weekend while walking through a dark secluded alley, she was approached by former Iron Maiden guitarist Adrian Smith and Jamie Stewart, the former bass player for The Cult. Never before had she been fingered so fast, so hard, and so good.


Nine months later she gave birth to a British progressive rock band called “The Untouchables”in 1995. The band however changed it’s band name to  Psycho Motel after hearing the song “You Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer and learning they were technically brothers.


The Untouchables decided to fly back to America. However, while flying over Canada the plane she was in collided with a duck and crashed into a wooded area in Vancouver.


She was the sole survivor.


She crawled out of the wreckage and walked through the dark secluded woods until she approached  a production studio   that was filming a t.v. show called “The Outer Limits” Upon telling the cast and crew her story, she was told by the director she could hang out while they were filming. Seven years and 154 episodes later, she headed back to America after scoring backstage passes from a radio show.


After saying goodbye to all her new friends in Toronto she walked to Atlanta just in time.While she was backstage, she met the band Korn who loved her story. They were amazed she was able to walk all the way from Toronto to Atlanta.


Later than night she passed out and the entire band fondled and fingered her pages and nine months later she gave birth to”The Untouchables.” in 2002.


She then spent five years in a monastery.  On the 5th year, while walking down a secluded hallway in the monastery she suddenly found herself surrounded by 80 Monks who fingered, flipped, and fondled her pages and she screamed and moaned, “Yes! Yes! Crack my spine and finger my Index!” Immediately after screaming this one monk with a sledge hammer actually cracked her spine.


The monastery suddenly became completely silent.

All 79 monks stared at the red-hooded monk who was holding the sledge hammer. Then suddenly, he dropped the sledgehammer and the impact echoed horrifying   throughout the monastery as everyone still stood silently.


Then the monk let down it hoodie. It was Steve Jobs.

He knelt down to see if she was still breathing.”She’s alive!” He said and the 78 monks around him all began clapping and cheering. “That was a close one!” Steve Jobs said and raised his arm to quiet down the crowd, “Okay everyone we need to keep this a secret for as long as possible.”


The Untouchables woke up from her coma exactly 9 months later. There was a letter on the counter right beside the hospital bed. She reached over, picked up the card, and opened it. It was from Steve.


Dear The Untouchables,

“I have good news is you have given birth to a new baby boy.  We are so proud. Congratulations.

Now, here’s the bad news. Now read this carefully…there were some complications during your childbirth. You have some critical pages torn. The doctor says you only have 30 more minutes to life.

Remember, life is short, so be careful how you choose to spend your time. Good luck on your 29 1/2 minute long journey.

Sincerely,
Steve Jobs

PS – oh by the way, sorry for hitting you with that sledgehammer.

No one knows how The Untouchables spent the rest of that day…but we all know where Steve Jobs was….we he preparing to present his new son to the world on that beautiful day in 2007.

On that day…

..Steve proudly presented the world, “The iPod Touch.”

Everyone in the monastery has vowed an oath of silence about this story…however…I just couldn’t keep it silent any longer. I’ve decided to give up being a monk and become a chef. So please, don’t let this story die…pass it on…on google plus.

And let it live on.

Forever.

Sincerely,

-Monk 34/80

THE END

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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12 Responses to The 30 Year Old Semi-Virgin

  1. John Kirkby says:

    Well that was a very nice story. Thank you

  2. john zappella says:

    where do you come up with this stuff that was great

  3. ~~~S Wave~~~ says:

    I heard a rumor that you’re writing a “choose your own adventure” style story?! 😉

  4. ~~~S Wave~~~ says:

    Seriously though, thanks for entertaining me while at the laundromat all afternoon.

  5. Tamara says:

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