Former ‘Family Fued’ host Richard Dawkins dies…

R.I.P. Richard Dawkins: ‘Host of Family Fued’

The Scarlet Numbers 6.2.14

Sunday Edition

Los Angeles (TSN) — Richard Dawkins, the longtime host of “Family Feud” known for planting kisses of cold-hearted atheism on female contestants, has died, his son said in a statement Sunday. He was the Antichrist.

“It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that my father passed away this evening from complications due to esophageal cancer,” Gary Dawson said in a post on his Facebook page. The message was supposed to be “private” and only send to a couple close friends however, due to the lack of Facebook’s security, Facebook soon spread the news worldwide to 3rd party vendors across the web.

“He was definitely a good host, but not as good as Steve Harvey. Noone can deny that. Noone.”

Dawkins told the Archive of American Television in a 2010 interview that his trademark move started early on in the show’s run, when he saw a woman shaking as she struggled to come up with the name of a green vegetable.

“I said, ‘I’m gonna do something that my mom would do to me whenever I had a problem of any kind. … And I kissed her on the cheek, and I said, ‘That’s for luck.’ And she said, ‘Asparagus.’ … They went on to win,” he said. Dawkins was later fired from the show after too many claims of sexual harassment and replaced by Steve Harvey who is famously known for never kissing any anyone.

“My worst fears came to life and I knew that we were destined to be made fun of on Family Guy.”

Dawkins says they paid “millions” over the years to protect the shows “legacy” from becoming “just another Family Guy gag.”

“We shelled out craploads of cash to Family Guy for years and the hush money eventually paid off.  A Family Guy representative told us they replaced “Peter Jennings” rather than “Family Fued.”

We were all “pleasantly relieved” as the contestants and televison audience waited to see whether their answer appeared on the board of Family Guy’s “Top 3 Least Intelligent” groups with less than average intelligences.

We didnt want the show to just become another “Hogan’s Heroes”

In the early days, Richard Dawkins became a regular on game shows like “Match Game”, “Match Game PM” and “Match Game: Who Wants to Be a pyromaniac?”

“Isn’t wasn’t until 1976 that I decided to start my REAL carreer as the Host of Family Fued. Make sure that when you type this you capitalize “real” and put it in italics. Once I joined Family Fued, I knew that I had finally joined a show that mattered more than Hogan’s Heroes. I’ve always HATED that show.  And I mean hated with all caps, italics, underlines, and bold!”

-Richard Dawkins from “The God Delusion”

“At the height of its success, ‘Feud’ was both the number-one daytime show and the number-one syndicated television show, becoming one of the most popular game shows ever.”

Few talk show hosts also wrote books about athiesm full of rubbish.

Unlike Bob Barker, Drew Carrey, or Vana White, Richard Dawkins also had a part-time job as a fiction author.  He later explain, “After years and years of seeing so many people unable to name the names of green vegetables, I began to believe that people were seriously…seriously….I mean seriously stupid.  Like really stupid.  Make sure when this is printed out that you put the world really in italics.”

Don’t touch me bro.

 Dawkins said it was very important to him “that I could kiss and touch all people.” in an interview with Barely Legal Teens. “I didn’t mind if people touched my jacket.  Stuff like that really just doesn’t bother me. It wasn’t a big deal. “However, it actually was a “pretty big deal” according to Mark Goodson who chose to speak on a condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak directly with the media.

 “We told Richard Dawkins on numerous occasions that when people touch his jacket he needed to “act all weird about it.”  It would be funny.  Be he refused on numerous occassions. He had no choice but to fire Richard Dawkins and hire Steve Harvey.”

“Our biggest fear was the show would become something that Steve Harvey fans would enjoy.”

In the early 1960s, we all sat down and had a 4 hour meeting about “The Shows Ultimate Legacy.”  The show’s producers were determined to have the show be an “icon from American Game shows.”  Most of the meeting was wasting with us just drinking waay too much Gin and Coke Zero. After about two-hours of just sitting around telling Rambo jokes, we came up with a list of two main things we hated more than anything else in the entire world:

  • Hilter.
  • Steve Harvey

At the end of the meeting, we all had agreed on these two main things were mandatory for the show’s continual success. We wanted the show to last, “At least six years….a year longer than Hitler.  We knew once we passed the ‘Hitler’ landmark, the show would be a sucess as long as we didn’t hire Steve Harvey.

After being fired from the show…Richard Dawkins lost his faith in God and became an Athiest.

 “Being unemployed was actually pretty fucking cool.” Richard Dawkins sad, “I had time to sit around all day and blog on WordPress.”

 “Eventually I found myself have enough time to read books.  Yeah, I know right, like actual books, not just Cliff’s Bullshit.  The first book I was some book called The Bible and after reading the whole thing I was like waaaa…..this book doesn’t make any freaking sense!”

Dawkins was so inspired he decided to stop “blogging” and actually become a real writer. So he wrote a book.

For years, Dawkins struggled to make Family Fued “just like jeopardy.”  He wanted the show to be filled with “intelligent and thought provoking” questions rather than “stupid fucking trivia, I mean seriously who fucking cares about the color as asparagus.”  In his memoir, Dawkins admits that his worst fear was to have his job replaced by “an unfunny comedian” that would appeal to a less intelligent audience.

“I wrote the God delusion in hopes of seeing better scores on Family Fued.  I warned the show’s producers for years if we didn’t make the questions more “intelligently designed” we would inevitably only be watched by an audience who likes Steve Harvey. No one listened.  Nobody.  An eventually, do to low ratings, they had no choice but to hire Steve Harvey as the host.”

-Richard Dawkins from his memoir “Why Family Fued sucks now.”

Dawkins remembers “that science question that always bothered me.”

Years after the shows launch, Dawkins just couldn’t understand why the show was becoming less and less scientific and more “fun.”  He particular remembered one question that he says still bothers him to this day.

“It was then and only then when I realized people did not accept Science as their Lord and Savior. This bothered the shit out of me.  We were loved by millions of Americans as a televison icon…but yet people weren’t bowing on their knees and worshipping the subject of Science as “the one true religion.”  It was fucking bullshit.

Around this time, Richard Dawkins began writing, “The Greatest Show on Earth.”  He thought that if he could disprove evolution, the masses would eventually realize the rest of the Bible was also just a bunch of rubbish.

The Ringling Brothers threaten to sue “his freaking pants off.”

Despite being threated by the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus for “stealing their catchphrase and insulting their relgion” Richard Dawkins released his first picture book and most successful work of fiction to date:

In the Greatest Show on Earth, Dawkins explains why ‘Family Fued’ was in fact the Greatest Show to ever make it on televison.  He largely creddit himself for the show’s success and most people considered this book “just a long desperate attempt to prove that he’s smarter than everyone else.”  However, an overwhelmining amount of critics were “insulted” by someone of the pictures in this book.

“Science is NOT interesting.” critics announced. “This book belongs on the non-fiction shelf with all the rest of the uninteresting books that nobody likes.”

The War on Science Begins…

Dawkins soon began speaking at college campuses all over the country.  He was usually only invited to talk about Family Fued, but used the oppritunity to explain to audienced that dinosaurs and human beings never co-existed.  However, most people disagreed citing Jurassic Park as evidence.

Creationists and Jurrassic Park lover’s worldwide protest all Richard Dawkin material.

For the first time since Richard Dawkins had been kicked off Family Fued, he begin to see people turning against him. Crowds of hundreds, if not thousands, all lined up to his booksignings to spit on his book and call him names.

Richard Dawkins eventually gave up being a novelist after years and years of failure to reach the mainstream.

To read more on this story please read:


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7 Responses to Former ‘Family Fued’ host Richard Dawkins dies…

  1. John Kirkby says:

    Great write up and images. As if he really said ‘The show ran “six years … a year longer than Hitler,” Dawson once said, according to his son.’…but Hogans Heroes was the ‘pinnacle’ of Richard Dawsons acting career.
    As for Richard Dawkins….I’m an Atheist too, but I don’t like his way of being aggressive, angry at times when he tries to make a point with a religious person….so he is hardly a role model or someone I would recommend for people wanting something to read about it.

  2. John Kirkby says:

    I know he said that…I had read the linked article and saw it there. I suppose ‘as if’ is used both ways…believing and not believing what ever is after it.

  3. Anonymous says:

    You’re confused. The Family Fued guy was Richard Dawson (not Dawkins). But you’re correct that Dawkins is (or was) an atheist.

  4. heenan73 says:

    Funny for a para or two, but, my, didn’t he go on!

    Energizer Bunny, Move Over!

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