E3 Phone Home!!!!

The Scarlet Numbers 6.5.12

Hello World.  Let’s talk about Nintendo. It looks like they’ve  finally returned back from from a distant galaxy.  The bad news is, they’ve landed safely….but the good news is their new “down to earth”  status actually might be able to provide us a future for Nintendo th-that ac-actually kinda-sorta looks promising

That’s right folks, I didn’t stutter, the first glimpse of the Wii-U actually doesn’t look Wii-Tarded. If you’re wondering if the new Nintendo Wii-U would like a Baby Ruthcandy bar…the answer is…”No thank you…I don’t eat that crap anymore. I’ve decided to start eating vegetables.”

(To the left) The Nintendo Wii-U – (To the Right) The Nintendo Wii

 So does this mean Nintendo doesn’t suck anymore?

 Yes.  That’s exactly what it means.

The Nintendo has spent nearly a decade sipping their “oh so precious” coffee and the caffiene really got to their heads.  During this “caffiene high” their “non-Revolution” disastrous Wii-tarded consoles were largely ignored by hard-core gamers.  Nintendo must have finally got some serious help for their coffee addiction…because it appears that now…they’re not sipping their Folgers anymore….instead they’re smelling it.  Which is a good thing.

They’ve finally woken up.

With new 1080p high-definition graphics, a new controller with an embedded touchscreen, and BALLS…Nintendo might finally be headed in the right direction.  Two different versions of the Wii are set to be released next fall:

The Faggy Version for Soccermoms

The Non-Faggy Version for Hardcore Gamers

That wasn’t a typo, hardcore gamers will actually be playing Nintendo again.  It seems like Nintendo finally grew some hair on it’s chest and is no longer afraid of a little blood and guts.  It’s about friggin time…

“Fuuuck yooou!!!!!!”

“Holy nuts! It looks like Nintendo actually HAS grown a pair.”

You’re absolutely right Mr. Peanut.  They almost appear to be made of Steel.  Xbox and PS3 are no longer the only members of the “Nut-club.”  Just take a look at some of the new Wii-U titles:

  • Batman Arkham City: Uncovered Nuts
  • Just Dance 4: Balls out Edition
  • Massively Effective Nuts 3
  • Lego City Undercover Nuts
  • Ninja Gaiden 3 Razor’s Edge (Unshaved Nuts)
  • Assassin’s Nut III: The New Testicle
  • Aliens: Colonial Marine (Insert Nut-Joke Here)
  • Dark Siders II: Dark Side of the Balls
  • Trine 2: Director’s Uncut COCK

Wow…that’s fucking awesome!

Yep.  It’s fucking awesome.

Be honest with yourself.  You want to put your dick inside of it…

It’s been rumored that this Nintendo device might actually be more appealing to men than Vaginas (VAG) 562.83 -1.46‎ (-0.26%‎) This makes investors nervous.  Vagina was been perceived as “too big to fail” for some time.  Before now, people have been bear-ly consterned however, now it appears like the Vagina’s popuarlity might be falling like one of Haley Quinn’s henchmen after getting elbowed in the face.

Confirmed: Batsuit in ‘Batman Arkham City: Uncovered Nuts does not have nipples.

Step aside GTA, the LEGO Universe is now the place to pick up hookers and steal cars…

 And the hookers in LEGO City Stories are hotter, less expensive, and STD free.  Everybody knows the hookers in GTA have Blue Waffles.  Stay away from those bitches and dip your hardcore game playing nuts into some fresh LEGO pussy.

Confirmed:  LEGO City Stories is “Leggo my Eggo” Free

Goro gives the Wii-U 4 Thumbs up…

The massive effect that Nintendo’s second generation Wii definately doesn’t look Wii-tarded.  This console will lure back the gamer’s that have ignored Nintendo for years.  However…Nintendo will ONLY regain their origional fan base if they LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.  Let’s take a quick look at why Nintendo has SUCKED godzilla cock for the past decade:

  • Hardcore Video Gamers WANT blood and guts.  America doesn’t jerk-off to mosiac blurry boxes over their women’s CUNTS…they want pussy unsensored. Without mosiac blurry boxes and they want blood.  TONS of blood.
  • NOONE will think that your videogame console with be WORTH ANYTHING if it can’t be easily purchased on store shelves by Christmas.  We’re not going to put up with another Nintendo Wii-saster like we did with the Nintendo Wii. Nobody wants fucking flowers for Christmas.  We want our consoles in our FUCKING HANDS not our imaginations.

“Stop…..getting……married…..”

Nintendo…this is your last chance to be cool…don’t screw this up.

 If this system is “artifically” hard to find on store shelves…NOONE WILL CARE.  Nintendo is responsible for the Children’s Tears Of Three Wii-Less Christmases. And those tears will never be forgotten.  Nintendo broke every child’s heart on the face of the planet last time they tried to make a “console.” Hopefully they’ll learn from their mistakes…and MAYBE the children of the world will forgive them for sucking so much.

Dear Nintendo:

15 Fucking Seconds

of practical thinking

could save you

15 Million Tears

from 15 Million

Broken Hearted Children

who will hate you when the Wii-U

isn’t readily available by Christmas.

“Touch….screen…..E.T. likes…..touch….screen.

E.T. wants Wii-U THIS Christmas….not in 2014.”

This week’s Scarlet Number….

Today’s Scarlet Number goes out to the Nintendo Wii, which was the worst thing to happen to video games since E.T. the Videogame in 1982.  If Nintendo has this console Doom & Diablo 3 ready by Christmas, they will win the hearts everyone.  If one more manufactoring failure every is associated with Nintendo EVER again…

Nintendo will be forgotten forever.

 Just like that live-action Mario movie .

Remember?

Of course you don’t.

Because it SUCKED. 

Are you looking forward to Nintendo’s Wii-U?

If so let me know!  And don’t forget to share this on Google Plus!

-Scarlet

6.5.12

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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5 Responses to E3 Phone Home!!!!

  1. Pingback: Welcome to The Scarlet Numbers! | thescarletnumbers

  2. Ian Moone says:

    Witty as always 🙂 as I stare into the eyes of the cat 🙂

  3. E3 Phone Home…awesome title..creative and funny. 🙂
    ““Touch….screen…..E.T. likes…..touch….screen.

    E.T. wants Wii-U THIS Christmas….not in 2014…. 😀

  4. Chrispin says:

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