6 Useless Tips for Losers and Degenerates

The Scarlet Numbers 6.23.12

Hello world. Most of us like to pause the screen while watching tv to quickly draw a moustache on Bill O’reilly’s face with crayons.  Butt how do you get the crayon marks off the screen?  No one wants to see moustaches on every person, on every commerical and show. Most of just would rather just buy a new tv rather than figuring out a simple easy way to remove crayon stains…but stop wasting money!  There are several easy ways that you can clean your screen and have it back to normal about without buying an entirely new televison set!

How do I remove Crayon stains from my televison screen?

Use WD-40.  This actually works.  Now you can draws all the moustaches you want without having to deal with the headache of seeing moutaches on everybody.  Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking….you’re probably thinking to yourself, “I never draw on my televison with crayons.” If so just stop reading now.

How To Make An Egg Look Like A Vagina & A Heart…

You’ve probably wondered once or twice throughout the course of your miserable life how to make an egg look like both a vagina and a heart.  Well, I’m bored right now so I’m going to teach you.  First you need to take a blue rubber band and spray paint it red.  Then you need one chopstick, not two…one.  Next you just need a sheet of paper, it doesn’t matter what size or shape, just a piece of paper.  (Please do not send me messages asking about the paper.)

Okay you got all your stuff ready…now let’s get started.  Here are six simple steps:

Ta-daa!  Now you can use a simple egg to try to be romantic and get some pussy.  Remember, just one chopstick.  If you use two you’re going to have an extremely weird looking vagina-egg.

How to Make Everyone like you…

If you’re like me, everybody on earth probably hates you and there is little you can do to make anyone like you ever again. Actually, there is one thing….bake cakes directly in icecream cones.  Everybody will fucking love you if you do this.

Now that everybody loves you, ask them for some money.  You’ll soon find yourself not even needing a job because there will be too much money stacked in your house to even leave.  It will literally block your entire door and you’ll probably need to hire somebody to help you move it.

Tired All Your Apples Falling Apart?

Most of us cut up Apples into pieces when we’re angry and then we get extremely upset when they fall into pieces all over the same.  Trust me, you don’t want to have pieces of apple just lying around everywhere you’ll eventually get bugs in your kitchen.

First get a red rubber band and spraypaint it blue.  Then use your blue rubber band to wrap it around your shredded apple….taaa.daaa…no more apples all over the place. Now you can take a girl home to your small crappy apartment without having to explain why you have bugs and pieces of apple all over the place.

Tired of Sunburns?  Try freezing Aloe vera…

This is a trick that I learned in college, except instead of freezing aloe vera I froze something much more disgusting.  However, if you’re about to go to the beach, or anywhere else where you’re about to get a sunburn because you’re too stupid to put on sunscreen, try freezing Aloe Vera.  This definately is completely safe and no one will ever mistake them for ice cubes.

Ahh…I can just feel the relief right now just looking at it.  So what are you waiting for, forget your sunscreen and go get a sunburn right now so you can try out this neat trick!

Need An Amplifier 4 Your iPhone?

You don’t need a Marshall Half Stack just to listen to your iPhone really really loud.  Just put your iPhone in a bowl.  The bigger the bowl the louder it will get!

And there you have if folks!  A seven hundred word blog that was completely useless.  Please don’t share this with anyone on Google Plus or Twitter.  They’ll surely make fun of you and mute all your posts in the future!


About thescarletnumbers

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