The Scarlet Numbers 6.16.12
Face it, Facebook…you’re not cool anymore.
You belong in the realm of fanny packs, pagers, She-Ra and Reebok Pump sneakers. You were just a fad and we’re OVER you. We’re finished. Facebook is like the Trapper Keeper of 2012….
No one likes you anymore.
You were cool for a minute…but a minute only lasts sixty seconds. First you were a useful tool that helped us look cool in fifth grade, however once we kept you around for a little too long all the highschool kids starting beating the crap out of us because of you. Our workplaces looked down upon trapper keepers in the workplace. They just looked unprofessional and childish.
And they got us fired from our jobs.
Unfortunately, there’s little than can be done to regain your “cool” status. In fact, there are only ten things you can do to be cool again...so go get your Facebook dorky-dorky-dorks, with their dorky laptops, and dorky egos, and do one of those dorky “hacking” parties around one of your dorky tables…
AND MAKE THESE CHANGES….
10. Eliminate Terms and Conditions.
Clicking “I agree” does necessarily mean we agree to anything.
#9. Add Circles-
Face it Facebook, you failed at this. There is a way to make it so certain users don’t see your posts, but you didn’t make it easy. Copy Google’s platform. Circles are a great way to communicate with your target audience. Facebook is not.
#8. Admit that the Timeline
Was A Horrible Idea
It’s obvious whoever created timeline was also the person who was sucking-some zuck day and night and spend every night crying in the shower. Who likes the timeline? No one. It’s creepy. No one wants everything they write on facebook to be “forever remembered” on the almighty stone on thy Facebook timeline.
“And it shall be forever known…I likedth that picth of thy Cat last Tuesday…the 28th.”
No one likes crying in the shower.
Just get rid of it. It serves no purpose.
Who changed the way we receive notifications? Back in the good days of Facebook, you only received a notification if someone mentioned you, or if someone commented on your status. Now notifications are just a huge clusterfuck of information about everyone’s activity.
Admit it. People are narcissistic and they generally only care about themselves.
#6. You Cannot Delete Friends From Your Phone!!!
“Do I seriously need a laptop to erase all these creeps!”
Facebook needs to realize that people don’t stop using Facebook because they’re tired of the site. That’s not why we leave…
We leave because we’re sick of our friends and family.
We lived in our parents home for 18 years and we deserve to live in an environment where we can fart and curse without having to worry about repercussions.
“I just farted.”
#5. You cannot add strangers.
How am I supposed to make new friends online if Facebook only allows you to add friends you know in real life.
I suggest adding a whole new side of facebook specifically for acquaintances. In this section, you cam search for people that have things in common with you.
Remember Facebook: the more friends users have, the more likely they are to return to your site.
#4. Facebook needs porn
if they expect to remain dominant on the Internet.
Everyone loves porn except douchbags.
If Facebook made a porn section we’d all be logging in everyday
to post our tits and butts.
How many vaginas have you seen on Facebook?
And that’s a shame.
We want to post our vaginas online
to be compared with other vaginas
and given a 1-10 rating.
It makes us feel good when our vaginas are given a perfect 10.
Facebook gives our vaginas a big fat zero.
4. Eliminate a No-Tolerance policy that strictly prohibits games like “Farmville” from automatically posting shitty status updates that no one gives a crap about.
3. Kill Themselves
How cool would it be if everyone who worked for Facebook all together committed suicide for some bizarre reason.Face it…that would be really cool.