How To Be A Douchebag

The Scarlet Numbers 6.29.12

 Have you ever wondered how to be a total douche?  Well you’ve come to the right place!  Today I’m going to teach you simple tips to being a complete douche.

Tip #1. Do a Lumbar Roll  

First lie on your back like a faggy version of Jesus being crucified and then kick your legs around like a fucking mermaid.  If you do this you’re guaranteed to look like a total douchebag.

Alternatives to a Lumbar Roll:

 Go home and play Starfox.

Your douchebaggery will decrease by 78%.

How to be a Complete Douchebag  

Tip #2:

Lateral flexion on balance disc

What. a. douche.

 Alternatives to a Lateral Flexion on a Balance disc:

Go home crack open a couple beers and listen to White Zombie’s classic album Astrocreep 2000.

Unlike a Lateral Flexion on a Balance disc,

this disc will actually make you cool.

How to be a Complete Douchebag  

Tip #3: Rollouts with Ab wheel

You’re not going to impress anything by doing Rollouts with an Ab wheel.  Yeah you might become really good with cookie dough or ironing shirts, but the majority of your existence will just be completely unnoticeable.

“Dooooouchheeee!!!”

Alternatives to a Rollout with Ab Wheel:

Rollout with Motorcycle

If you still have balls after a crash like this, everyone will respect you and will respect you for your non-lack of balls.

How to be a Complete Douchebag  

Tip #4: Oblique Abductor Raise 

Not enough lesbians who love to scissor will think you’re cool if you do this.

“What a douche!”

Alternatives to Oblique Abductor Raise:

Try being a Velociraptor with a Jetpack and Scissors.  This takes practice.  But once you get it down people will think you’re a badass.  Trust me.

How to Be a Douchebag:

Tip #5. Straight Leg Obliques

 

If you lie in the middle of the gym and start doing this people will think you look like the Little Mermaid.  Spare the embarrassment and be a man.  Drink some f*cking beer and be a man already.  Jeez.

Alternatives to Straight Leg Obliques

Be cool.  Like this….

That’s cool. 

Okay, well that’s five easy ways to stop being a douchebag.  Hopefully I won’t have to make another one of these blogs.

See you soon,

-Scarlet

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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