The Scarlet Numbers 8.29.12
Everybody loves a good blog right?
The truth is, everybody hates blogs and if you have a blog the chances are everybody secretly hates your guts and wishes they could shove a pitchfork down your throat every time you try to promote your ideas.
“Fuck da police nigga”
However, I think it’s important that everyone expresses their opinons, in words rather than pictures or famous quotes…so quit watching the 3 Stooges and get off your fat lazy ass and start a blog.
You’ll get great exercise for your fingers….
Stop wasting countless hours driving back and forth to the gym just to do finger exercises. Blogging will get you the same amount of exercise and you don’t even have to leave your house.
“Why am I wearing clothes right now? Fuck this, I’m getting naked!”
Keep blogging every day and who knows, maybe you’ll be the next big finger model. You probably won’t, but hey…there’s a chance.
Stop spending thousands of dollars on weird finger exercise machines every month…you’re wasting your time and money. Just become a blogger and you’ll get the same amount of exercise without your friends and family constantly making fun of you.
The truth is, finger exercise machines are expensive and if you’re lucky enough to be able to use one at the gym you’re likely to get kicked off soon by other finger exercising enthusiasts. If you choose to use these silly machines instead of being a blogger, you deserve to have unsexy fingers. Good luck getting laid with those fat ugly things…
Consider being a blogger
People will drool over your sexy fingers…
And isn’t that what we ALL truly want?
If I haven’t convinced you already, here’s Six Reasons why you should start blogging immediately.
#1. Because my blog sucks.
If other people wrote blogs, less and less people would read this crappy blog. And that would be a great thing because this blog blows frog balls.
#2. Because blogging almost feels as good as sex.
If you have a terrible sex life like me, you’ll find that blogging can almost be orgasmic. Especially if you touch yourself while you’re blogging. Try writing with a vibrator close by. You might write a little slower, but that just gives you more time to think about what you’re writing and less of a chance that you might write something dumb. Yikes I think I’m about to have an orgasm. Oh yes…oh yes…..YES!!!!
#3. Blogging Makes You Feel Important
Even though you’re actually not important and the world would actually be a better place without you, blogging gives you the illusion that people actually want to read and hear what you have to say. Although this could be further from the truth, having a blog will prevent you from realizing this reality. People will comment on your blogs and make you feel like you’re an important journalist rather than the useless, lazy, narrsasist that you actually are. Start blogging now. Do it for your self esteem. Just put down the gun and start writing. (Seriously, put down the gun, you’re starting to scare me.)
#4. Blogging Makes You Tons of Money
Although I have never made a cent off blogging (in fact it actually has cost me twenty five bucks) there are actual ways that you can make money blogging. If you are smart enough to understand HTML you can put a “donate here” icon at the end of each blog and people can directly donate money into your Paypal account. If I were smart enough to understand HTML or if Paypal hadn’t banned me for life, I would probably be making a lot of money with this blog. However, I am an idiot. Therefore I am poor and I make minimum wage working at McDonalds.
#5. Blogging Will Get You Laid
“I just got laaaid!!!!”
I don’t know any bloggers, but if I did I’d be all over their dicks like syrup on pancakes. Nothing is sexier than blogging. (Except firemen) If you’re the type of person who doesn’t get much sex, try blogging for a minute. You might find yourself face first in some pussy before you know it.
#6. Blogging is a great way to communicate with people all across the world.
I have to admit, there’s nothing that turns me on more than when sleezy men from Pakistan send me messages on Google Plus asking me to take off all my clothes. There’s just something about this that just makes me want to touch myself and turn on my webcam and have some hot steamy cam-to-cam sex. (I’ve never actually done this but it would probably be hot for about thirty seconds or so before I spent the rest of the night crying in the shower shamefully.)
So what are you waiting for….start a blog! The sky is the limit!