How to Get Laid (Without Putting a Ring On It)

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The Scarlet Numbers 9.3.12

Hello boys and girls, today I’m going to tell you a story…

Once upon a time there was a thing that was called “Sex before Marriage.” This curious and mysterious thing is unknown to people these days, but in the “old” days, sex before marriage actually used to happen. A lot.

So what happend?

Why are women spreading their legs so easily these days and letting men cram their trash into woman’s mystery boxes? Should we blame the media? Shows like “Sex in the City?” Who is to blame for our lack of innocence? Anyone? Everyone? Should we blame Obama? Blame Canada? Let’s investigate…

This man to the left thinks that O.J. definately did it…

But she thinks that O.J. is innocent…

What do these two people have in common?

Sex.

They both love doing it doggystyle, froggystyle, hoggystyle, and pretty much anything else that goes along with the same rhyme scheme. However, a new study done in the UK says that having sex before marriage is bad. Not just “kinda” bad. Like really bad. Why? Because these people don’t really “know” each other yet and it’s much better for them to have the “O.J. argument” before they have sex rather than afterward.

“A study of hundreds of couples found those who waited to have sex were happier in the long-run.”

I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but there’s a little more than 100 couples on this planet. In fact, there’s a lot more. So this study is basically competely scientifically inaccurate based on that fact alone. Here’s the problem with this type of research: It’s not elaborate enough. You can’t just assume that…

“If the gloves doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

That’s just bad science. Things just aren’t that simple. Don’t get me wrong…no one is denying that the phrase isn’t “extrememly catchy.” It’s cute. You could write it on a birthday cake. That’s how cute it is..

However, logical thinkers know that when a glove doesn’t fit your hand this does not prove that you didn’t slaughter your wife. Whatsoever. However, women are illogical thinkers and they are crazy and that’s why their crazy husbands sometimes kill them.

“The glove didn’t fit! You must acquit!!!”

“Wtf is this is this bitch talking about?”

I know right now you’re probably thinking to yourself, wtf is this bitch Scarlet talking about…maybe’s it’s time to stop talking in metaphors for a minute and get real… When relationships begin, you know absolutely nothing about each other. Like zilch. Nothing. Not even each other’s first name until you finally get to know each other.

And some women don’t put out.

They tortue their men with no vagina day and night.

Like zilch. Nothing.

No vagina.

This of coarse leads to sexual frustration, which leads to arguments like…

“I’m not putting the toilet seat down bitch! Deal with it!”

The woman usually screams something back about how he’s being “inconsiderate” or some other bullshit before they both tackle each other on the bed and begin violently making love like animals.

“How…you…like…theses…apples….beeotch…”

Afterward, the man quickly learns that if he wants to get some pussy, he better start learning how admit that he’s always wrong about everything.

And I mean everything…

“Guess who’s putting down the toilet seat now…”

This is how normal relationships work. But when a relationship begins with just sex and then a little more sex…and then a little more sex without any dialouge about O.J. or the toilet seat….the sex becomes less of a bedtime story and more of something that would come out of a horror film…

“How about a blowjob?”

“Get the hell away from me you creep!”

Notice how in this picture she isn’t getting on her knees eager to pleasure him orally.

Okay now let’s quickly recap what we’ve learned today kids…

Get your pens out….it’s time to take some notes….

1 Argument About O.J. Simpson + An Argument About the Toilet Seat = Make up Sex

Let’s look at another equation….

1 Random Request for a Blowjob + Another Random Request For a Blowjob = No B.J.

And that’s just about all that we’re going to learn today kids. If you still don’t get it, do the problems over again until you figure out what you’re doing wrong.

(Hint: everything.)

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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4 Responses to How to Get Laid (Without Putting a Ring On It)

  1. ed says:

    where are you?

  2. Nemo is Dead says:

    ??

  3. Nemo is Dead says:

    😦

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