The Scarlet Numbers 4.3.13
It’s that time of the month! (No, not that one.) It’s time to narcissistically overanalyze this blog with charts and graphs to try to decipher why the fuck I’m not rich and famous yet. I think, just maaybe, just maaybe it may be because my left buttcheek is slightly bigger than my right. Or wait, was it the right buttcheek.
Okay, well as many of you know I was arrested in early September and spent some time in the slammer. During this time you might have wondered,
“Why isn’t Scarlet posting daily blogs from her jail cell? Seriously…wtf.”
To all of the people who I let down please forgive me. I tried, I really did. Every morning I would wake up and use a chisel to carve a new blog post into my jail cell wall. Late at night I would find myself writing new blogs on small sheets of paper and sliding them under the prison bars to the inmates across the hall who would laugh uncontrollably at my new Rambo jokes.
The news of “The Scarlet Numbers” soon became the talk of the entire prison. However, quite frankly my dear, that doesn’t mean squat on the outside world. Far from my cold pillowless bunker and far past the barbed wire fence that kept my enslaved unless I wanted to slash a boob or two…somehow the internet continued without a daily update from Yours Truly.
It was a travesty beyond human comprehension.
Anyway, let’s take a look at the numbers.
First let’s take a look at all my unanswered fan mail. Now usually, I’m pretty good at getting back to my fans as long as they are helping me promote my blog seventy nine hours a day. However, while being incarcerated, I just wasn’t able to get back to answer all those people begging for the “passwords” for my “password protected blogs.”
Here’s the amount of poor unfortunate souls who sufferered:
Just so you know, I’m not fucking reading any of those. I just quickly skimmed through all of the names to make sure Johnny Depp didn’t send me anything and then deleted them all.
Here’s a month by month overview of how many people have been reading my blog. As you can see, I told a Rambo joke in Aug. 2012.
I’m not wearing my glasses right now so I’m not even sure what this one says, probably has something to do with vaginas.
Canada still has maintained a strong lead in their “coolness” factor over the United Kingdom, which reminds me of this one day when I was in jail I was eating pancakes for breakfast and I decided to hide a packet of syrup up my yaknow. Later on that night my cell mate and I stripped naked and smeared the cold sticky syrup all over our naked bodies and spent the rest of the night licking each other head to toe until all the syrup was gone. It was pretty hot until I realized that my cellmate didn’t shave her armpit hair. Some of those hairs were stuck in my friggin teeth for days!
Here’s a list of all of the blogs that have been most commented on. In jail the blog titled “Posting My Naked Body Online” was the #1 commented blog. However, those comments aren’t included here as we were mostly using Post-its folded up like paper airplanes to communicate.
This list here was strangely the only collection of numbers that were the same on the internet as they were in jail.
Gotta pee, see ya soon!